“Go gas light Anna” said number two.
I took it literally, thinking this person, wanted to set fire to me.
At the time, I was naive to the concepts of narcissism and gaslighting.
Little did I know this was the beginning of a toxic nightmare.
A psychologist concluded a previous partner of mine, number one, was exhibiting narcissistic characteristics in their relation with me.
Number one decided to contact number two. The former shared details of the assault I was victim of years prior.
Number two, joked about the death of my first born. Yes, its true!
No weakness of mine is off limits, having all and sundry thrown at me to discredit my character.
And a leopard doesn’t EVER change its spots.
Character Defamation- Narcissism
I don’t like to the word abuse and the concept of narcissism did not take focal point during my two years of formal studies in Transpersonal Art Therapy & Psychology back in 2015.
But I have learnt that once you are the target of another’s narcissistic abuse, your character is constantly defamed at every opportunity. Is it your fault? if you call breathing and existing, then yes, otherwise it is not.
I have since enlightened myself and focused on breaking such ….patterns.
Breaking the pattern – Surviving Narcissism
Why did it take me so long?
When I look back now, knowing my own conditioning was passed down from the generation before me. Most likely starting with my guilt ridden feeling for my own father abandoning me.
It was my fault I thought. When it wasn’t.
My response then? Show unconditional love and understanding. By doing so, with no boundaries or maturity to know better, you surrender yourself to a life as a doormat.
It is in those patterns of behaviour that one must recognise the self & then break free.
And that takes work on the self.
The word, survivor is much more appealing to me.
And it is liberating to become one!
The Finding Love Bit
I met my husband late in life in 2015. I was 43. Never married and a single parent.
The months following our marriage, were laden with challenge as our predecessors sought to redeem themselves in the face of your newfound love and joy.
What had I done so wrong in finding love? I had unsettled the convenient concept laid out before me that it was I who was cold hearted and unable to form romantic relations.
Understanding not the narcissistic mind, I should have ignored it, but reason and empathy was my way for many years, for peace and quiet. But you cannot reason with a narcissist, and empathy is their feed.
Nine years on, we are together. Sure, like many, we have our challenges still today.
Life is a challenge!
We work at it! Bringing the love and joy back into our equation.
We don’t sit back waiting for the universe to give us what we need. We set the foundation, planning ahead for the future.
The commonalities of narcissism
Such traits, once brought into ones awareness, become loud and clear, once you stop feeling sorry for the narcissist.
That part took me a very long time.
From personal experience, these traits drew commonalties
- Being Labelled: mentally ill, psychotic, cold hearted, unstable
- Gas lighting & being left totally confused
- Never receiving a compliment
- Knowing your place in the face of grandiosity
- Manipulation, greed, envy and dishonesty at work
- If you move on successfully, watch out for self victimisation ….for it is you and only you to blame for their own shortcomings.
It doesn’t matter how hard you try, the result remains the same.
Doing the good work
When opportunities rise, make good choice. When power comes to you, be kind.
I have witnessed so many rise then fall as the ego self surfs the wave momentarily before it crashes.
I believe this is the ultimate test in life; power and what you choose to do with it.
Are you masterful and kind? Or do you behave like a callous fool? Burning those around you?
Responsibility is Power
Blame robs you of responsibility
And responsibility is power.
Anna Jane X
